arcanarum | α. voice

[Scott pauses again, sighing himself; where he is, he folds his legs to his chest and rubs at his temples with his thumb and forefinger.

This is stressful in ways he can't communicate, but he knows he can't just ignore the possibilities. That's not how things work. Not when people needed to be protected, and not when their protector was sometimes unreadable.]

Aren't you ever unsure of anything?

[It's a bit of a ridiculous inquiry; he knows that at some times, Derek must not know things. He just never seems to act like it, and expressing things wasn't exactly his strong suit.]

[ That actually gets Derek to laugh-- but it's off. Tired. Because they've only been here under a week at minimum, over a month max, sure, but Derek has been alpha for months and had so many other doubts for six years. ]

Often.

[ It's rare that he admits his downfalls, but it's still something that occurs on occasion. ]

But there's no point in lingering on it, when I can try to do something about it.

[For a moment, that thought occurs to Scott.

It's the first time he's really thought of it, actually. The first time the fact that Derek is an alpha- trying to protect these kids- when he's been alone since he was a kid himself. And six years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things but at the same time, it's so long, and he's been alone so long and only recently had to bury his sister.

Scott has to wonder what she was like, how she must have been, that Derek isn't focused only on himself... like Scott'd thought he was. The idea that Derek wasn't interested in leaving them alone was a comforting one.]

Yeah. I.. guess you're right.

[There's hesitance in his speech; there's so much he'd like to say, to ask, but he isn't sure if now is the time.]

[ And maybe, someday-- whether it be in Arcanarum or Beacon Hills-- Derek will tell Scott about his sister. And about how Scott reminds him so much of Laura at times that it's almost uncanny. They're clearly two different people, but they carry the same determination, the same bright smiles, the same eagerness to please those that matter. Such an intense need to protect those around them.

He sees a lot of his sister in Scott McCall, but there's still enough between them that differs which has him realizing that it's not just their similarities that drives him to want Scott safe, want him in the pack.

And he's not sure how to explain that, when he's spent the past six years turning inwards on himself in an attempt to keep people out. To keep from having to explain things, or make a connection that might snap back on him.

But with the pack, here, he's going to try and fix that. Because if they don't, then there's nothing keeping them tethered and sane. And there's nothing to keep them alive, not when two of their packmates have extremely dangerous denizens and they're surrounded by risks at every turn.

He takes another, audible breath, before huffing softly. ]

We're all learning as we go.

Y' ever think it'd be a lot easier if it were your sister here instead?

[Not just in Arcanarum- but in Beacon Hills. Or if they'd never gone back to Beacon Hills. Scott wouldn't judge him; none of this had been easy or enjoyable for anyone. If he were Derek, he'd trade all this pack growth for his sister back in a heartbeat.]

..I shouldn't be asking stuff like that. Nevermind.

In some ways.

[ The question catches him off guard enough that Derek answers it without really thinking about it, but then it registers and he just winds up feeling numb. Because it reminds him of the second day with the ghosts, of how happy his family was-- how alive and happy they were. But then it lead into his bitten wolves, alone.

He misses his sister so much that it hurts, but thinking of that hurts just as much. ]

Laura was a very different alpha. A good one, but very different.

I don't mean a different Alpha.

I mean- her instead of us. You think she could have found the answers?

[And perhaps, gotten them home?]

No.

[ Derek considers the answer, after he gives it. Then he hums, low and quiet, almost agreeing with himself. ]

No, she wouldn't have. She was smart, but we were a two-wolf pack. We wouldn't have gotten very far. Not to say we've really gotten anywhere, in terms of answers, but we're somewhere.

And we're pack.

Fine. Thaaat's what I asked.

[He clears his throat again, shifting uncomfortably and pouting, almost glad he can't be seen doing so.]

That's what I asked, not if we'd be better off with a different leader.

[Christ, it's like they don't even listen to eachother.

...wait.]

...I'm sorry about what happened to her, anyway.

[It's quiet, but honest. Even if he's said it (mostly exasperatedly) a million times by now.]

[ They kind of don't, Scott. But to be fair, Derek's mind has been on 'them without him,' rather than 'him without them,' ever since the second ghost. It's rather easy for him to shift the way of the latter, not the former. ]

Considering past events, including fairly recent ones, it's not that misplaced as a misinterpretation.

[ And there, he falls into silence again. It'd be easy to assume, with the lengthy pause, that he's actually finished his response. Even with Scott's returned hearing.

After a good handful of minutes, though, he speaks again. ]

... thanks.

If you're talking about the dream, you never told me- or anyone- what you dreamed when I told you. You don't... have to, but seriously, you said the dreams didn't matter. They weren't real.

[And at Derek's thanks, Scott has to take a moment to decide what to say.]

...She must have been really great.

Edited 2012-12-27 11:54 (UTC)

[ He snorts, almost dismissively at the thought. ]

Scott, you and I both said the dreams weren't real. That doesn't change the fact that yours scared the shit out of you, though, does it?

[ Telling Scott that it was fine, or that he'd gotten to finally bury his sister properly, had occurred to him. But it wasn't fine, and that was hardly a comfort to Derek when he'd barely gotten to mourn her. Peter had to be dealt with, and then the kanima happened, with a looming threat of the alpha pack... ]

She was. You probably would've liked her.

[ There's no probably about it. ]

Sometimes when we're scared, though, it just... means we've gotta remember we're stronger than that fear.

Human or not. Fear's kind of a dream, too. 'S only there because we let it be.

[Or at least, that's what his mom used to tell him back in the days he was afraid of the dark. And other things.]

I like a lot of people, Derek.

[That, at least, is about 50% or more a joke, and he can't resist giving a little snort of his own.]

Like I said-- no point lingering on it when I can do something about it, but it's a reminder.

[ Especially with it so fresh in his mind. Derek drowns in his guilt and grief, but there's a difference in that and what he feels in regards to that dream. Real or not.

There's an actual, honest chuckle at that, though. It helps ease the tension off. ]

All right, you might've been friends with her.

Dude, I think that's the first time I've heard you laugh at something that wasn't completely cynical.

[Does he get an award for that?]

She must have been nice, then.

Does laughing at Stiles count?

[ Because he did that quite a few times yesterday, and it definitely wasn't all cynical. Except it was kind of him being an ass, for most of it.

He has to bite his tongue on you remind me of her before it comes out. ]

Everybody liked her. In Beacon Hills, and New York.

Stiles is funny, though. Eeeven if he doesn't always mean to be.

[What? He loves the hell out of his best friend but that doesn't mean he thinks he's God or anything.]

...Was it.... I mean, I guess it has to be a good thing to have a sibling. That's a stupid question.

[But hell if he would ever, ever want one. Not if it meant they were born by the same dad. Sure- he loved his dad for being his dad (just like Isaac loved his-) but that didn't mean he wanted his dad to be anyone else's.]

He likes to think he's hilarious. Personally, I think he's hilarious with a face full of snow.

[ Derek, you really ought not sound so amused by that. But it does help ease the secondary portion of the conversation, if only because he's balancing out talking about his family with Stiles' snow-induced misery. ]

It... had all of its good and bad points. But we were family. We were pack.

[ Nevermind the sense that all of his cousins, both younger and older, were like siblings, too. It didn't matter who had this parent or that parent. To Derek, they'd all felt like brothers and sisters. ]

[At the first comment, Scott can't keep himself from laughing. He'd pelted Stiles with snow, too. And it was true- Stiles was totally hilarious covered in snow.]

I think my mom would have rather hurt my dad than give him another kid.

[It's something he hadn't meant to say; he'd never really been open about his dad to Derek, and hadn't been intending to say it, anyway. But there it was, said. And it might have seemed silly- but Melissa McCall was a nurse, and nurses had the same oath as doctors.

Do no harm.]

[ Derek is pleased to get Scott to laugh, even if it's a bit ridiculous. But with the way they've been at odds until now, it's good to have. If only for a moment.

Especially with the way the comment about Scott's parents catches him off guard. He takes a couple seconds to try and recall what Scott's father looked like, or was like in general. He doesn't remember much of him, honestly, if anything at all. It speaks of the man, really. ]

Even if she did, she would've raised them the same way she raised you.

[ A thinly veiled compliment of both McCalls. ]

[Scott gives a sigh, trying to ignore the fact he'd just said all that. Come on, Scott, keep it together.

Still, the vague compliment is kind of comforting.]

...This sounds horrible but I kinda wish she was here. I mean, without our healing abilities... I only know what she taught me, and kind of what Deaton did.

[And the idea of being faced with injuries he can't handle scares the shit out of Scott.]

[ Derek doesn't comment any further on it, simply following Scott's trail in the conversation as it shifts, subtly. ]

And we're a pack of overzealous wolves that shove our noses into everything. We're probably going to have to do some research about first aid, because I never learned any. The basics, maybe, but...

[ Yeah, werewolves don't really tend to need first aid. ]

Nothing long term.

I'm used to emergency care stuff, yeah. But I'll... teach you what I know, and see if they have like... a library around here tomorrow.

[Congrats, Derek, he's followed your little trick to the T. Smart move.]

Have you seen one around?

[ Scott left an opening for a shift in topic, Derek just gently nudged him into it. ]

I haven't, but I haven't exactly been looking. If we find one, then we'll all go and check it out. Stiles would probably like to know of its existence.

[Scott sighs against the receiver, shaking his head.]

If we could just get into the castle... It's gotta have books. Maybe even about the island itself.

But maybe there's something... I'll look through the shopping district tomorrow.

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triskeles - 2012-12-27 22:18 (UTC) - Expand