[ john can feel the fury radiating off of her text. it's scary and leaves him totally stunned. he is at a total loss for words. the bad of what he did hits, and he doesn't even know what to say. it takes him a few minutes to respond. ]

i... yeah.
i really didn't consider everything.
i didn't think of most of that.
i figured he would go back pretty quickly.
that after i died, you'd both just realize what was meant to be done.
i thought it was really obvious.
but i guess i was just being stupid.
really stupid.

but... i really don't think he'd be able to do it if all of us were there.
i agree with the rest of that stuff. i wasn't thinking.
but with both me and jade gone

[ --because he is ignoring that bit about jade surviving, that's impossible and wrong and the fact that he might have condemned her to that is disturbing -- ]

he'd be a lot less likely to hesitate.
not because anyone is less important or anything like that.
but because it's easier to say bye to one friend than three of them.

haha... i thought what i did was kind of heroic.
i was making myself useful in motivating the one person who could do stuff.
we were all going to die or disappear, my denizen said.
so i guess i wanted it to be over quick.